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Tuesday, July 04, 2006

FAKE LETTER*

Service Manager
John Elway Dodge on Arapahoe
10743 E. Arapahoe Rd.
Centennial, CO 80112

Mr. John Elway
Elway Enterprises
1 Elway Way
Denver, CO 80204

Dear Mr. Elway:

Mission accomplished. Rest assured I have personally taken care of everything. You need not further concern yourself with the resolution of the situation we discussed earlier this month. My team and I have seen to it. Furthermore, I see no reason that your involvement in recent events at the dealership on Arapahoe need ever be mentioned again, excepting of course in this correspondence. As in the past when similarly unfortunate events have taken place, I am happy to be at your service (pun intended).

Nevertheless, while I understand that you enjoy a special arrangement with the current owner of John Elway Dodge on Arapahoe, and that that arrangement affords you certain privileges that go beyond simple business courtesy, I feel I must point out the following:

  • When you arrived at the dealership loudly demanding the “bitchinest van on the lot,” you were clearly not yourself. I fear the taint of alcohol was clouding your judgment, a concern the sheriff later confirmed. As you may recall, drinking has often played a role in similar incidents involving yourself and our particular dealership on Arapahoe.
  • While your privileges may include the occasional loan of a vehicle from our lot, the random appropriation of any vehicle within sight, regardless of how blurred that sight may be, is frankly unacceptable. When you stiff-armed two of my mechanics and jumped behind the wheel of the green turtle-top Ram screaming “Bitchin’ van! Bitchin’ van!” you showed little regard for the fact that the vehicle belonged not to us, but to a nice, travel-weary family from Illinois who were merely trying to get back on the road and head home.

    Incidentally, the mechanic upon whom you vomited was wondering if you could pay for a new jumpsuit and also if you could call his girlfriend on Thursday. It’s her birthday and she’s a big fan.
  • If course, the biggest problem remains your seeming inability to remember that although you currently own several fine fast food establishments in the greater Denver area, John Elway Dodge on Arapahoe is not one of them. As I’ve explained to you before, our car wash is NOT a Wendy’s drive-thru. I guarantee you sir, you will never be served a Triple with cheese by hurtling someone else’s van into our car wash at 40 miles per hour. You will only do damage to yourself, our equipment and whoever’s vehicle you decide to commandeer. We were lucky this time. We got by with just a couple of rolls of duct tape. Next time could be much worse. My hope is that this letter will keep there from being a next time.
Mr. Elway, I’m a fan. I always have been. You were a hero to me. It’s an honor to come to work everyday at John Elway Dodge on Arapahoe and see your name above the door as I walk in. But incidents such as this most recent one have dulled the shine on your name, at least in my eyes. Here’s hoping we can restore that shine as well as your reputation by working together to keep you from jamming other people’s cars into our car wash.

Your humble servant and fan forever,

Jared



* This is a completely fake letter. None of it is true. Don't believe any part of it. Don't take it seriously. It's just a joke. For the complete backstory, I refer you to the June 2006 Vacation episodes at Croncast.com. It may take three hours to listen to the entire story and when you're done you'll probably never leave your home again, but I guarantee it will make you laugh.



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