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Sunday, October 09, 2005

KUDOS!
TRUE AMERICANS DO THEIR DUTY

I know, I know. This is long overdue. Apologies for not taking care of this important piece of business sooner.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Americans, the real Americans, the thinking, rational, and decent Americans who refused to listen to the nay-sayers and the gloom-and-doomers, the Americans who believed in the principles set forth by this great nation's founding fathers, the Americans whose faith in this country's limitless potential never wavered. These brave Americans twice stood up and did what they knew was right for this great land of ours. In honor of these blessed souls, I wish there were a way to double capitalize the "A" in Americans because, let me tell you, these folks deserve it. In fact, if we could double capitalize the "A" and make the rest of the letters regular capital size so that they were bigger than regular lower case letters but still smaller than the double big "A" because if they were all double big, it might look like an abbreviation or, what do they call it, an acronym, which it's not, although I bet if we put our heads together we could come up with something clever. Anyway, you get what I'm saying. If we could make a bigger "A" in a way that reflects the decency of these fine Americans, then I'd be all for that.

Of course, the Americans I speak of are the wise and compassionate and blessed Americans who voted for George W. Bush. With Supreme Court appointments pending, foreign constitutional elections coming up, and assorted domestic challenges in the news, now might be a good time to review some of the major accomplishments of these red-staters. To quote our able leader, "Yer doin' a heck of a job."

The Environment: Take That, Nature!
This week, Congress approved a bill to change the Endangered Species Act, thereby removing many outdated and unreasonable restrictions on land developers, one the nation's neediest groups. These changes include the elimination of over-reaching protections for plants, animals and habitats as well as the lifting of a requirement for ESA compliance for the spraying of pesticides. In addition, tax-payer dollars would be used to pay developers to comply with existing laws. To any reasonable person, these changes make sense. After all, what do pesticides do? They kill bugs. That's a good thing, isn't it? Think about it. When you're out in the backyard on a Sunday afternoon standing over the Weber One-Touch with a plate of burgers in one hand and a can of Kingsford flame thrower in the other and the neighbor's wife is telling you how good you look in your "Kiss the Cook" apron with the spatula holster, and a mosquito lands on your nose, do you think some bug lover from the Endangered Species Act is going to jump out from behind the rosemary bush and gently shoo that bug away? Guess again, Chef Tell. That mosquito's proboscis is headed straight through your dermis to get some of that fine Michelob-infused blood of yours while Mrs. Jones is hightailing it back across the petunias to her own house. Pesticides are good. A lot of decent Americans grew up, went to school, got jobs and lived out their whole lives in states where pesticides were used plenty. Many of those states are red today, God bless them.

The War in Iraq: Democracy Rocks!
Some people accuse the President of making up his mind on issues first and finding the reasons to justify his decisions second. Some say this indicates a rigid close-mindedness and a fundamental inability to think creatively. If the President's explanations of why we need to pursue war in Iraq demonstrate anything, it's that he is actually one of our most creative thinkers. First, it was Weapons of Mass Destruction. Check. Today we live in a world in which Iraq has no WMD. Then, it was bringing democracy to the Iraqi people. Done and done. Iraqis have embraced the principles of democracy so heartily that they are willing to die for it. To date, approximately 25,000 Iraqi civilians have shown that level of commitment to the cause and about 2,000 American soldiers have shown them the way. Democracy? Check. Next up, a new Cold War. Steely-eyed and well-groomed, the President last week said that now the war is about keeping radical Islamists from taking over the region from Spain to Indonesia. Meet the new Cold War. Same as the old Cold War. If the ability to so skillfully and frequently change the reasoning behind the American presence in Iraq isn't creative thinking, then I don't know what is.

Medicare Benefits: Another Use for Wilderness
The President has made it easier than ever for the sick and the elderly to receive quality healthcare. Older folks enjoy the mental stimulation of being put on hold and hitting the redial button. It keeps their minds sharp and their bodies fit. And since we need to reduce government spending in order to pay for Katrina and Rita, why not make use of some of the Arctic Refuge by relocating some of the really older and sicker folks out there. I don't mean house them there. I mean set them outside. What better tribute could we give them than to send them on to the next world secure in the knowledge that they're serving their country by not consuming any more of our precious drugs.
[Bonus: It snows a lot up there which logistically speaking is a good thing.]

Tax Cuts: Giving Credit Where Credit is Due
Our democratic way of life is based on good old capitalism. It's a kind, fair system in which each citizen has the right to look down on those less fortunate. The more people to whom you are superior, the more you deserve the riches of the land. After all, you earned it. It only makes sense. Therefore, the President's tax cuts, by rewarding the toughest, the luckiest-to-be-born-into-their-family, and the most famous Americans, fuel the economy and keep it going in the direction that works best for everyone. After all, wealth isn't a privilege nor is it a right. It's your duty as an American to step on as many people as you can as you climb that ladder of success in the pursuit of happiness. And if you really want to be patriotic, stomp on some fingers to make sure they stay down.

And so, red-staters, all Americans owe you immensely. Goodbye to the endangered animals. Goodbye to pesky pests. Goodbye to Allah. Goodbye to all the old, sick, poor people, whose memory we must honor by making it easier for them to go. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How can we ever repay you for bringing us a leader like George W. Bush? We are a prouder, safer, stronger nation than ever before and we have your wisdom to thank for it.

Not to sound greedy but, what can you possibly do as an encore? What other tricks do you have up your sleeve? A new election is only a couple of years away. Who is that lurking in the shadows of the heartland somewhere between Mt. Rushmore and the Ozarks? Mr. Cheney? Condi? Is that you? Come out, come out, wherever you are!

3 Comments:

At 10/10/2005 9:31 AM, Joe Dovala said...

Tom,
You need to have a weekly syndicated column (translated for the thinking impaired)across the land. Thanks for a great Monday morning read and letting me know there's still Intelligent life "out there."

 
At 10/10/2005 1:29 PM, Anonymous said...

this could be your best blog yet

nicely done

 
At 10/11/2005 1:25 PM, Anonymous said...

I would probably vote for Dick Cheney, but I am worried about his bad ticker.

Jim Hyde

 

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