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Monday, September 19, 2005


First off, let just remind you all that I am perfect. I am the perfect weight and wear perfect clothes. My skin, hair, cuticles, breath, all perfect. My perfection allows me the luxury of pointing out the imperfections of others. That said, let me tell you about some of the things I saw yesterday at the L.A. County Fair in Pomona.

Several pregnant women in tank tops that clung helplessly to their abdomens.
Unable to conceal the giant bulb, the tank tops accentuated what is no doubt the pride and joy of these women: their unborn children. And what better way to accessorize that distended navel than to pierce it with a shiny, dangly piece of jewelry and stick it out for the world to see?

Several women who don't seem to realize that just because low-rider jeans and a midriff top look good on Jennifer Aniston, it doesn't mean it looks good on everyone. That ensemble is NOT magical. It does not unlock the hidden power to transform the average body type into the extraordinary.

Many pre-teens trying to pass for teenagers.
God love 'em.

Many teenagers trying to pass for adults.
God help them.

Many adults trying to pass for teenagers.
God help me.

Many elderly folks trying to pass me on their scooters.
God damn it!

Reminder: I am perfect. I am the perfect age, I have the perfect pallor, muscle tone and dermal tension. I have the perfect wife and drive the perfect car.

Also seen at the fair:

A guy, maybe 25, head shaved and sweaty, eyes hidden by wraparound shades, weakly pushing a stroller with a baby who was absolutely wailing, squealing much like the pigs in the pig races on the other side of the fairgrounds. Something wasn't right in this kid's world and the obvious remedy was volume.

The daddy's shirt read "Living the Good Life." Yikes.

A woman sauntering by the deep-fried avocado booth arching her back so the message of her t-shirt could be plainly read across her more than ample bosom: "Not Everything in Kansas is Flat."

Tank tops that said "Bitch."

Tank tops that said "Sweet Taste."

Tank tops that said "God's Team."

I love the L.A. County Fair and will return next year.


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